Tuesday, 7 July 2015

Just having a butchers - ISIS Claim Burtons Robbery

ISIS "burgel" award winning profiteers of death

News broke today of an intricate robbery at the famous Burtons butchers in Britain Furst and homophobic stronghold Pocklington. The callous robber was photographed while exiting the place that has ultimately become the final (almost) resting place for many murdered innocent animals. Retired hero cop PC Forstrike described the "burgerlry" as "rare".

With Pocklington's growing upper middle class population and the emergence of trendy gin bars it is little wonder the man went for the cash and not the meat. Gone are the days of a good old Sunday meat raffle in the Oddies and the blind eye to a bit of old fashion fencing.

Pocklington now under the IS Caliphate

In a bizarre show of strength in the largely UKIP area of East Riding ISIS have claimed responsibility for the robbery. Leader of the Islamic state and self proclaimed Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi sneered "They are not serving halal, they sell pork and Belle Vita sold me a shit pizza 6 years ago. Do you know they boil the kebab meat?" The robber is clearly in ISIS uniform (all black). Al-Baghdadi has vowed to build the worlds largest mosque on the oval and instantly apply sharia law to Pocklingtons lawless streets. Its rumored many including local hard nut Chris Tatterson have gone into hiding in anticipation of the new laws.

Local terror supporter sympathizer Rodg Eastmoreland has welcomed the expanded caliphate in an interview with the Pocklington Post "If they stop fracking I am all up for the caliphate." He did express concerns about the Christmas tree industry but conceded thats the price of multiculturalism.

The insurers and police have estimated that exactly £4500.00r was stolen in the "high steak" robbery! This makes the meat robber one of the most successful in Pocklingtons colorful history. Fan mail has flooded in with many young females flocking to Pocklington to "meat" the famed robber. Complaints have flooded into Burtons about the state of the surfaces. Items have clearly been left out in what looks like a untidy torture dungeon frequented by Ted Bundy.

Pocklingtons other notable heists include:
  1. The JCB ram raid of Llyods TSD when the police tyres were slashed in advance. Sadly they got away with no money after Maggie from Danby's gave chase. 
  2. The armed raid on 1079 garage Hewson & Robbin Cunts saw cigarettes and a few hundred pounds taken before the police helicopter found the bandits celebrating in the rugby club.
  3. Stuart Howell callously stole 7 fish fingers and a sausage from the dining hall at Woldgate by concealing them in his pocket