Thursday, 3 September 2015

ISIS: "Pock Tyre Slasher Probably Christian"

Pocklington Slasher - Efit

Slasher on loose!

On the night of 2 September the now infamous Pocklington slasher got to work with the first reported attack being seen on Darren Woodheads news feed (which has deteriorated since he found a partner). Remarkable as he does not even have a drivers license... Not to speculate but he should be prime suspect much like Huntley became after his first TV interview.

ISIS have publicly blamed the attack on a christian. From the Oval Caliphate Jihad Jon stated they have not yet completed the mosque so cannot be held responsible. He also said its out of character for the group which often makes charitable donations to UNICEF.  They responded to the slashing by donating oil to Bonds on Pocklington Industrial estate and expanding the caliphate up Wold Road. Peter Winn who was upset to be left out was unavailable for comment.

1 Direction
It is beleived "a dozen" tyres were slashed across the sleepy but high middle-class market town of Pocklington. The shocking news comes just weeks after the infamous "rix 4" attack which saw a boy band make national press by walking across a 24hour petrol station at night. No arrests have been made in relation to the "rix 4" attack but it is beleived this is what led to the 1D breakup.

Walter Red
The slashers attacks echo that of the budding dog walker Adam Peka when attempting to slash a policeman's tyres back in 03'. Sadly the knife snapped and Peka hid in a bush before his phone rang giving up his position. Turned out the policeman was in fact corrupt and a parade is held for the failed attack every year. Lest we forget.

K Dog
The top suspect so far seems to be Kane Hartwig. It is rumoured he left work early and refused to work alone after being haunted by a "possesed tyre". Many phycological experts are saying its "certainly Kane" with famed Chris BCAP PT Knight (Hons) factually stating " Kane is looking for revenge against something he has no control of and thats a tyre he fears. He certainly thinks these other tyres are related to the possesed one. He thinks he is helping people by stabbing these tyres when he is actually hurting them and commuting".

Conspiracy theorists are saying Peter Winn is involved in a bizarre effort to drum up business in the area. Reports suggest custom increased 600% in the last 24 hours for tyre fitting in Pocklington and Peter Ward has put in a hansom offer for "winnies".

Pocklington fraudsters strike McDonald's 

In other news it is reported that a gang of fraudsters from Pocklington are exploiting the goodwill and nature of McDonald's. It is believed they are removing and eating the mozzarella from "mozerella sticks" before returning with the hollow shell. They have so far bagged 3 free sticks using this ploy.

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